Essays from 116th Street

It's Time...

2006-06-04T23:44:00.000-04:00

...to start seeking new ideas, to find new methods of self-expression, to seek freedom from envy, guilt and anger. It's time to pursue new friendships, and to renew and redefine old ones. It is for this reason that I have decided to shut down this little store called "Essays from 116th Street." The expression of my thought process for this particular stage of my life has become fairly exhausted, and although the question of who I actually am in regard to this world remains unanswered, I am fairly sure that the answer does not lie in seeking and chronicling "New York adventures" online. Thanks for reading, I'm glad you found it interesting. See you around...

Spoilers Below!!!

2006-06-02T14:42:00.000-04:00

(Seriously, Don't Read This If You Haven't Seen X3!!)

It has taken me a week to do so, but I am now ready to present my thoughts on X-Men: The Last Stand. On its own merit, the movie is very cool, a lot of fun, with plenty of action. However, in the overarching scope of the X-Men movie series, it stems the momentum of what could have been an infinitely better series altogether.
First, we'll talk about the Dark Phoenix storyline; while it was certainly dramatic, and probably contained the best moments of the film, and Famke Janssen was muy sexy, there's probably enough material there for it to stand as its own film. There was absolutely no reason to kill off Scott Summers other than for cheap shock value; the same applies to Professor Xavier. In fact, none of the deaths in this movie amount to much of anything; the only demise that served a purpose was Mystique's loss of powers (a high note of the movie, I might add). I think everyone would have been happier with an X3 without Jean, followed by an X4 in which she resurrects and causes some major havok (if you caught that last pun, you're an X-nerd).
My next major problem with the film has to do with some other major X-nerd stuff, so beware; it has to do with the use of Callisto as a major villain. I have no major problem with the character, or even her role as a villain in the movie. My thing is, if the creative team behind the movie were going to give Callisto the same powers as Quicksilver, why not just use Quicksilver? He's Magneto's son, after all! How much more added emotional depth could they have given this film by including Magneto's children in the storyline, saving the Dark Phoenix stuff for the next movie, and making the mutants seem less disposable? What's the point of writing Callisto with the same exact powers of a more useful character?
There was plenty of cool stuff on display here, however. James Madrox was ill; Iceman finally got to be Iceman; the plot twist after the closing credits was some true X-Men ish; Storm got in some cool weather effects, and Beast was on point. I'm not hating on this movie at all, but is it me, or was the threat significantly lower than in X2? In that one, Magneto tried to kill all the humans on earth; this time, he just tried to attack a lab. Anyway, there were some nice nods to the comics, and Joss Whedon and Grant Morrison's runs on Astonishing X-Men and New X-Men got some shine. All in all, I had fun watching it, even if I came away wishing for more.

Get Ready

2006-05-31T14:56:00.000-04:00

Only nine days away!

116street Soccer

A Serious Conundrum

2006-05-26T16:02:00.000-04:00

I am presently faced with a dilemma, which, unresolved, could threaten the very fabric of my definition of human existence: I am thoroughly obsessed with Sergio Mendes' "Mas Que Nada." Liking a song, even loving one, rarely presents a dilemma of any kind, of course; the problem in this instance is the overwhelming presence of my musical nemeses, The Black Eyed Peas.Those who know me well are well aware of my hatred of BEP, which borders on a Luthor-esque mission to eradicate them from existence. Much like the relationship between my main man Lex and Kal-El, the Peas and I were once on good terms with each other; their well-documented and admitted sellout killed our friendship for good. Thus, it has been my duty to provide hateration, even upon hearing them at their most avant-garde.So I was chilling at home, firing up my Playstation 2 for an initial go-'round in 2006 FIFA World Cup, when the game intoned upon my earlobes the hottest song I'd heard since Zuco 103's "Garganteiro." Upon further listening, I felt the familiar pangs of guilt come over me, and the question "Is that The Black Eyed Peas?" began to linger in my mind. I navigated the game's menus, to discover the song's origin, and was relieved to find it attributed to Sergio Mendes. But then, I heard the disgustingly familiar "Ooh La, La, La La" that Fergie has somehow managed to make her calling card, and I knew the ugly truth to be true. Unfortunately for me, the song was too good to not listen to again; the slow process of The Black Eyed Peas creeping into my consciousness had already become an inevitability.As is commonplace with anything associated with those effing sellouts, I next encounted the song via a TV commercial. My usual righteous indignation was mellowed out, however, that the commercial in question happened to be one of those excellent Nike Joga Bonito joints with the Brazil soccer team. I still couldn't hate. Then, the other night, I was participating in one of my favorite new activities, checking out the outstanding Radio Mundial at Camaradas, when Radio's lead singer started singing the hook to "Mas Que Nada" over an improvised samba beat. Rather than getting an ice grill, I got extra excited instead. What in the world has come over me?The good news is that I'm not entirely carried away; I contemplated purchasing Sergio Mendes' Timeless, but a few listens on Amazon clued me in to the fact that the Peas are all over this album: I passed. So I know I'm not entirely delusional, but I'll be damned if my heart doesn't warm every time I hear the opening rhythms to this song. What's a righteous brother to do?

Thanks, Ladies

2006-05-14T10:01:00.000-04:00

It is time for me to give a shout-out to all of my female friends. I have had the incredible fortune of knowing some of the most intelligent, compassionate and beautiful women around; at any point when my faith in the opposite sex should waver, these are the ones who are quick to restore my belief. There are those who never seem to mind my constant philosophical babbling (Stephanie and Rachel), who always inspire me to be more virtuous (Bethany), who remind me not to take myself so seriously (Abby), who provide blunt advice and a pat on the head (Cait), and who always make me wonder what could have been (Melanie and Jessica). There are, of course, many, many others, so if I haven't named you here, please don't be upset, it's pretty early in the morning. I am so fortunate to have such a caring and protective group of women, ready to be there for me at a moment's notice, with the full knowledge that I would do the same for them. You girls are my great ones.

With that being said, it's time to award the two funniest quotes from yesterday, responses to the demise of the two-month saga of The Girl By 23rd Street.

Melanie: "Do you want me to come up there with a lead pipe and beat her?" No, Melanie, I don't want you to do that, I know you've been itching to use the lead pipe on my enemies for some time, but I don't want you to hurt The Girl By 23rd Street, she's never been in a fight in her life. I do find your constant willingness to resort to violence very sexy, however. You win second prize for the day, the reward being an ironclad promise that I will try to make out with you next time I'm in Philadelphia.

Jessica (via voicemail): "Hi Zack, sorry to hear about Stacy - oh, I mean, Cindy..." Jess, your attempts to belittle the status of The Girl By 23rd Street by referring to her as "Stacy, or Cindy, or whatever" have always been pretty humorous, but the spite in your voice on this occasion elevates you to first place in this informal contest. When we run away to Belize together, I will be sure to provide you regular massages, and to feed you grapes. In the meantime, you will have to settle for the first place prize, which will be the most heartfelt 3 AM drunk-dialed smiley face the world has ever known.

These girls bite! I love them for it. Anyone with friends as good as mine has to be doing something right. Also, a word of benevolent advice to all women I've dated, past and future; if you ever come across a gorgeous brunette attorney in a power suit and briefcase, flee! I can't control Melanie, or what she does with that lead pipe she keeps in her briefcase. I constantly tell her not to hurt others, but she really likes me, so what can I do?

Grouchy

2006-05-10T15:30:00.000-04:00

It has been chilly and overcast here in New York this past week, resulting in a seriously hostile frame of mind here on 116th street (of course, it could also have been that annoying, pointy-shoed hobbit I was unfortunate to have spent part of my Saturday night hanging around). So here I sit, with so many things to look forward to, things that should be bringing a smile to my face, and instead I have become Gargamel.
For example, today I am going to pick up my copy of 2006 FIFA World Cup for Playstation 2. I will probably spend a couple of hours striving to gain qualification to Germany with Beasley and company, and that will make me happy. At least it would, if I hadn't spent the past few days in a grey-skied, goosebump-inducing state of both body and mind. Isn't it supposed to be May?
Tomorrow night, The Girl By 23rd Street finishes her finals, which means that she will be talking to me again. This is, of course, a fairly exciting development, but without a warm spring breeze to make me feel at peace with the world, I instead find myself grumbling about how it's too cold to be outside, and how it looks like it's going to rain at any moment. Not to mention that it's still not tomorrow night yet, so still no The Girl By 23rd Street.
Hey, the Suns play the Clippers again tonight! That's fun, too! But I bet my cable acts up again, and lord knows how much I hate dealing with those shmucks. "That's right, Mr. Jackson, we're coming between 10 and forever, on a day that's two weeks into the future, from now until the end of time!" Since when did Time Warner Cable turn into Mum-Ra?

OK, wait, the really hot girl at work just smiled at me, that made me feel a little bit better...

OK, back to being grumpy...

Oh yeah, that girl from Saturday, who came out with my friends; did I mention how annoying she was? Begging for attention, insulting my friend and trying to push me into even more of a bad mood by insisting that I was in a bad mood, despite my attempts to ignore her? Sigh...

But guess what, kiddos? I'm gonna be an uncle again, I'm gonna be an uncle again, I'm gonna be an uncle again, I'm gonna be an uncle again... That makes me legitimately happy! So I guess what I'm saying is that it's never as bad as it seems. In fact it's pretty good. Now if those damn clouds would just go away...

How Come Lisa Turtle Never Gets Any Play?

2006-04-26T13:16:00.000-04:00

My weekend-long battle with the cable company has finally come to a close, and in its aftermath lie the remnants of 4 days without television. You would be amazed at the kinds of things you discover when the technician finally comes around between 8 and 12 and fixes your $#!+!!!
Man, I had no effing clue that Adult Swim had started airing Saved By The Bell, and yet, there I was, staying up past my bedtime, just so I could witness the rise and fall of the legendary rock group The Zack Attack.
It's been FOREVER since I last saw this classic episode, but it left me with a few unresolved questions. First of all, where the hell was Jesse? Were they not friends that week? Had she pulled a Christopher and gone to L.A. that weekend, only to have a relapse on caffeine pills? Was Elizabeth Berkley already making Showgirls by then?
Then there's the freaking band; who did they get to write and perform those dreadful Zack Attack songs? It's like the producers of Saved By The Bell, unsatisfied with the shoddy acting and dreadful neon-colored clothes, actively pursued the worst band they could possibly find in Hollywood to do the songs for this episode. How am I, as a viewer, supposed to believe that "Friends Forever" could ever possibly become a hit?
The real question, however, is this: how come Lisa never gets any? There is no question that Lisa Turtle is the hottest chica ever to appear on Saturday morning television; she is in fact, the inspiration for my personal "get it" list. If they ever build a Saturday morning television Hall of Fame, she should have her own wing. Why then, is she always dateless? Is there some kind of hidden message here about the inablity of shallow people to get dates? Does she have some kind of "black men only" policy, making it hard for a SoCal sista to find the right man? Is she related to one of the Girlfriends? Do she and Jesse have a secret kind of DL thing going on, and is A.C. Slater a front for the whole thing? How come Slater only ever talks about getting play, but we never actually see it (that's an entire post waiting to be written)?
So many questions, such little time...

"...And They Stop Him Again!!!"

2006-04-22T21:27:00.000-04:00

Close your eyes, and remember, Eagles fans: astroturf, kelly green helmets, and silver pants... Barry Switzer's utter stupidity... The refs cheating to help Dallas win... Emmitt Smith, on his back... Can only mean one thing, right?

That's right, beeyotch!!!

The video of the "4th and 1" incident, one of my all-time favorite sporting memories, can be found right here...

http://deadspin.com/sports/dallas-cowboys/the-unparalleled-genius-of-barry-switzer-168996.php

Eagles fans, enjoy...

All Dressed Up With Nowhere To Go

2006-04-22T20:50:00.000-04:00

Many people enjoy certain stories that I tell from this space from time to time (a few of which have mysteriously disappeared from this wonderful site), and thus believe that my time spent in New York is one of constant adventure. And yes, while it is true that I may have once shoved Ethan Hawke out of my way, or rapped at a show in Queens, or partied naked with a bunch of other naked people, or answered phones for Jimmy Carter's Secretary of Defense (and yes, these events all really did happen), allow me to show you the other side, the one that rarely appears in Essays from 116th Street.
It is a dreary, rainy, ugly Saturday here in NYC, and I have no cable. There was an outage on 116th and Lenox Avenue, the result being that I have had no way to watch television since 6:00 yesterday, and they won't come service it until sometime on Tuesday, between 8 AM and 12 PM. My apartment is quiet as hell, mainly due to the fact that Joe is galivanting around Europe at the moment, hopefully with some frauleins that look like St. Pauli Girl. Perhaps I might enjoy the company of The Girl By 23rd Street, except that she is about to be knee-deep in law-school finals and is studying her cute little behind off; this means that my visitation hours with her are restricted to something like two hours per week, and my phone privileges are about one hour every two days. This is sucky.
Well, Johnny RZA called me the other day, he said he wants to hang out... oh, look who's calling me right now! "What's that, John? You can't make it? Too rainy? Whatever..." So much for that, I should have known he was gonna bail at the first drop of rain. Well, Tim said something about hanging out, let me see what he's up to... Nope, he's got plans with a chica... How about the other Zack? He was on TV today... Nope, he's got plans too...
I guess I could make dinner...
(Isn't this so exciting?)

Wednesday Extra: Bring Back John Tesh!

2006-04-19T16:00:00.000-04:00

Peter Schrager over at FOX Sports is advocating that ABC bring back John Tesh's score, Roundball Rock (better known to the general public as the "NBA On NBC" theme song) for its playoff coverage. He contends that the main reason fan interest has been down ever since the NBA switched networks, is the simple fact that fans don't get nearly as hyped for ABC's dreadful music.
Does he have a point? Could it really be that simple? Actually, I think Schrager is on to something here. In The Tipping Point, Malcolm Gladwell describes how the producers of Sesame Street, dismayed at their lack of success in creating a meaningful educational/entertianment experience for young children, made a relatively simple decision; they combined the segments containing puppets and live actors (who had previously been separated). Gladwell alluded to the concept of "stickiness" in this example; a relatively simple decision served as the hook by which kids could connect their imaginations to realty, thus keeping them glued to the set. The subsequent creations of Big Bird and Snuffalufficus only helped increase the "stickiness" of Sesame Street.
In the case of NBA telecasts, there is no question that Tesh's theme increased my personal anticipation of an NBA game. The opening notes, slow and regal gave way to the rush of excitement contained within the song's famous melody. As a viewer, the song helped me attach a sense of excitement (albeit artificial, but this is TV) to basketball games, making NBC telecasts into an event. Whether the game had more significance than the average game or not, when the NBC theme song was playing, it sure seemed more significant.
A few more notes on the NBA on ABC and the concept of "stickiness": when NBC did NBA telecasts, its production crew never toned down the crowd noise level for the sake of hearing the announcer; ABC does lower the crowd noise, which in my mind is incredibly stupid. What would you, as an average fan, rather hear: the roar of the crowd, or Brad Nessler telling you that the crowd is going wild? It seems to me that ABC would never dream of doing such a thing during a broadcast of Monday Night Football (of course, ESPN is now doing MNF, and they might be that stupid). Also, ABC seems to be mesmerized by the cult of celebrity when it comes to NBA music; we've had to deal with Justin Timberlake, the Black Eyed Peas and (the horror) Rob Thomas intro-ing our NBA telecasts, not to mention a brief experiment with Destiny's Child and their horrid "Lose My Breath" song; no wonder the ratings are down.
The good news, if you want to interpret it that way, is twofold; first, NBC does not own the rights to Roundball Rock, John Tesh does, so ABC can go ahead and give us what we want anytime they choose to (the fact that they are probably too proud and will forge ahead with sucky music has not escaped me). The second is that ABC's deal only lasts two more years, by which time the NBA will hopefully have heard the general public outcry, and switched back to NBC, who will re-hire Marv Albert, bring the crowd noise back up, keep Justin and Beyonce far away and restore order to the basketball universe. That's right, boys and girls, the NBA on NBC: alliteration, slanted fonts, John Tesh, and Marv Albert with Bill Walton and Steve "Snapper" Jones. Does it get any better than that?

Crossover Appeal

2006-04-19T09:35:00.000-04:00

When Nelson George, in his comprehensive and most popular (not to mention already outdated) narrative, Hip Hop America, went through the process of dedicating an entire chapter to the influence of the game of basketball upon hip hop culture, he recognized that such a concept was much too broad to write about effectively in one chapter. He considered using Michael Jordan as an example, but MJ was too obvious a choice and his appeal was too universal, anyway. That's when he decided that the story of the linkage beween basketball and hip hop could be told through the history of one franchise in particular. He dedicated an entire chapter of his book to the Philadelphia 76ers.
The premise of George's chapter, "The Sound of Philadelphia - Dunking," was fairly straightforward; as cultural currents shifted and the sound and themes of hip hop music evolved, one could identify the correllation between the demeanor and cultural significance of the three most prominent modern players in the team's history. The original, post-soul era of hip hop, with its B-boy flash and rock-the-party vibe could be personified in the spirit and game of Julius "The Doctor" Erving. As Dr. J aged and his cultural significance waned, hip hop became more brash, outspoken, political; is there an athlete from the Public Enemy and N.W.A. era who fits this description better than Charles Barkley? As we found ourselves nearing the late nineties, authenticity came to rule the day, with 2Pac's ill-fated "thug life" giving way to the man who told the world "you got to keep it realer," Jay-Z. With this new ethos, hip hop found a new hero upon which to build its aspirations, Allen Iverson, who kept it realer than most people are even comfortable with.
I write this because the Jay-Z era of hip hop seems pretty much over, and I suppose it's no coincidence that Iverson's career with the 76ers appears to be nearing its conclusion at nearly the same time. Last night was Fan Appreciation Night at the Wachovia Center, and Iverson and Chris Webber weren't even dressed to play. They came late to the arena amid hazy rumors about whether or not they were going to play, anyway, but the Sixers' brass were decidedly less than thrilled about their tardiness. Tardiness is no new thing to Iverson, but (here's that cultural shift again) where fans were once willing to stick up for their hero, it seems as though more fans than usual wouldn't be against his departure. With the Sixers mired in mediocrity, attendance is down, and where fans once awaited every crossover dribble and tear-drop floater (even if it meant the captain missing some practices along the way), they now eagerly anticipate a new direction. All good things really do eventually come to an end, and while Iverson's apparent departure saddens me, I am ready to welcome the next movement. Even LL Cool J has to hang 'em up at some point (right?).

More Proof That The Oscars Are BS

2006-04-18T11:48:00.000-04:00

I was spending a quiet Monday night in my apartment, putting the finishing touches on my latest 116street Soccer entry, when I decided that ordering a movie from my On Demand service would be a good idea. I opted for Good Night, and Good Luck, the George Clooney-directed period piece about the efforts of Edward R. Murrow to expose Sen. Joseph McCarthy.
While watching the film, I was struck by the way in which the political climate of Murrow's day reflected much of what takes place in America today.
Murrow risked his career in an effort to restore the balance of ideas, and was branded a traitor in the process. What a shame then that our news networks now give recognition and screen time to political commentators who express their admiration for McCarthy, the very same man who trampled upon the civil rights of hundreds of Americans! Surely, no matter what side of the political spectrum we find ourselves on, we can hold the corporations who decide who reports (and comments on) the news to a higher level of responsibility.
Anyway, add another film to the list of movies better than the one that won this year's Oscar for Best Picture. Not to turn this into a rant against Crash, but is there a movie made this year that wasn't better than that disaster of a film (hypothetical question, people)? Anyway, I'm not saying Good Night, and Good Luck should have won the Oscar, but it was an excellent film, and George Clooney gets props for making a film with such a bold statement during this period of American discourse.

New Blog

2006-04-17T20:39:00.000-04:00

Are you tired yet of my soccer nerdiness? In that case, you may rest easy, as I have started a new blog, 116street Soccer, to allow me to delve as deeply as I wish into that world. I'll still have my other observations about life right here, so we'll see how this works out.

Preacher

2006-04-06T09:56:00.000-04:00

I was at Nevada Smith's last night, watching the replay of yesterday's Arsenal vs. Juventus Champions League match, when I met another of those most interesting people that New York City has to offer. It had been a relatively quiet night, as most of the New York Gooners had already watched the match live, and as I was watching the atrocious 0-0 draw unfold, I looked to the right of me and saw a benevolent-looking older man, enjoying a pint while wearing a George Best Ireland shirt.
We struck up a conversation, with him telling me his name is Ted, and that even though he's a Manchester United fan, he makes it a point to root for any English team whenever they encounter foreign opposition. We started talking about the skill and class of Thierry Henry, how he wished that Arsene Wenger would manage United instead of Sir Alex Ferguson (Fergie is too abrasive in his view) and the anticipation heading into Sunday's clash between the two English giants.
After a while, our conversation turned to more cosmopolitan subjects, such as which dirty words could be used to the highest effect in Italy, and which obscene gestures the English use to piss of the French (as well as each other). While sharing laughs and beer with this old Irish guy, all I could think was, "this guy is definitely on some other $#!+!" He seemed to know everybody in the bar, and it was fairly easy to see why.
As we continued talking, he told me that he is a reggae fanatic, dating back to the 1960's. He explained to me (although I had heard it before) that the original skinheads were not white supremacists, but rather reggae and ska punks, whose style had become co-opted by extremist groups. He pulled out his iPod and showed me his extensive reggae MP3 collection, and told me of how he goes to the Knitting Factory to this day to check out acts. I recommended that he check out Black Star, so long as he could handle vulgarity. "Are you kidding?" he said. "I play my music in here, and I have to tell them which songs are safe, there are so many F-words in them!"
We started talking about movies; it turns out that he loves zombie movies. "I could watch 28 Days Later over and over again!" he said. His other favorites included Dawn of the Dead (not sure which version) and Shaun of the Dead, which he highly recommended to me. "This guy is definitely on some other $#!+," I thought to myself. I asked him where he was from. "Brooklyn," he said. "I had these people in here one time, we were sitting here, drinking a beer and telling jokes, and the one guy asks his brother, 'What do you think Ted here does for a living?' and the brother jokes, 'he must be a porn star.' Well, the guy says, 'Actually, no he's the total opposite.'" "Ted," I began to ask, "you're a priest?" "Father Ted," he replied. I started cracking up.
He told me this story about a guy at the bar who wanted to buy him a cell phone. "What am I going to do with this guy buying me a cell phone? Now I have to wake up at 3:30 in the morning because he wants to confess his sins to me?" This stuff was hilarious. I asked him if he was the black sheep of his parish. "Oh yes," he said. "We have one Nigerian priest who eats sushi, but that's about it." We finished off our pints (two is his limit, if you are wondering), shook hands and said our goodbyes.
Later that evening, I was talking to The Girl By 23rd Street, who said, "You know, I always meet interesting people at Nevada's; I even met you there. I meet more people at that bar than any other one that I go to. I don't know why." I think it's because so many different kinds of people follow soccer, and they all seem to end up watching it there. All I know is that I'm going to keep going there, because I can't think of one time I went in which I didn't have fun or meet someone interesting, pretty or both.

A Must-Watch Highlight

2006-04-03T10:38:00.000-04:00

For those of you who had the patience to read my full discourse on the genius of Thierry Henry (and even for those of you who didn't), you have to see this! This is the first goal he scored Saturday afternoon in the Arsenal vs. Aston Villa match, it is absolutely astounding!

Henry's spectacular goal!

(Check out the slow-motion... )

Thierry Henry, The World's Greatest

2006-03-29T10:20:00.000-05:00

That's right, I said it. It had to be said. Somebody has to be willing to step up and declare the honest truth when it is most necessary, and this is why I will be the one. Aesthetics and La Liga titles aside, the truth must be known, and the truth is that Ronaldinho is not the world's greatest player. If anyone is most deserving of the FIFA World Player of the Year for 2006, that person is the one and only Thierry Henry.
Henry missed out on the award in 2004, despite Arsenal's undefeated Premier League season, most likely due to the fact that voters couldn't decide who was more integral to the team's success that season, Henry or then-captain Patrick Vieira. Ronaldinho undeservedly took the award, after leading Barcelona to only a second-place finish in La Liga. In 2005, Arsenal's dip in form, coupled with Barcelona's Spanish title, gave the award to El Gaucho for a second straight season, and this, coupled with Brazil's capture of the Confederations Cup gave little room for argument against Ronaldo de Assis Moreira.
This season, however, I have come to my conclusion, which is that no player in the world contributes more to his team's success than Henry does for Arsenal. I saw Ronaldinho score a fairly spectacular goal to move Barca past Chelsea in the Champions League, but I also saw him fade out for most of two matches, while his teenage teammate Lionel Messi outshone him. Yesterday, against an inferior Benfica club, he was unable to lift Barcelona past a 0-0 draw.
Arsenal, meanwhile, has spent much of the season coping with the loss of their captain Vieira (he was sold to Juventus in the offseason), a rash of injuries and the integration of a handful of teenagers into the squad as a means of overcoming the loss of manpower. With the club in crisis, Henry was handed the captaincy, and with it the mantle of leading this team of kids toward the modest goal of a salvageable season.
After a shaky start to the campaign, Arsenal has responded in a big way, playing their trademark style of zany, attacking football, with Henry leading the way. Underdogs against Real Madrid in the Champions League, they effectively dismissed Los Galacticos, with Henry driving Real crazy, flying around the pitch, passing to teammates and generally inspiring the baby Gunners with his skill and leadership. If Arsenal's youth squad grew up by vanquishing the superstars of Madrid, imagine the confidence boost they gained yesterday by defeating their former captain Vieira and mighty Juventus in the first leg of their Champions League quarterfinal showdown. It should surprise no one that Henry was the lynchpin, setting up 18-year-old Cesc Fabregas for a goal, then adding a tally of his own. With Henry leading the way, Arsenal must feel as if they are capable of winning the whole trophy, for the first time ever.
Should Arsenal win the Champions League, Henry's career achievements would actually outshine those of Ronaldinho's. Like Ronaldinho, Henry is already a World Cup winner and a two-time league champion, as well as being a member of France's Euro 2000 and Confederations Cup 2003 championship squads. He has been Arsenal's top scorer in every season he has played for the club, and is its all-time leading scorer after only seven seasons. He has also been top goalscorer in Europe two years running, and with 25 goals thus far this season, is in the running for the Golden Boot again this year. If that doesn't sound like the "World's Finest" to you, what does?

You Better Thank Dave Chappelle

2006-03-14T10:44:00.000-05:00

I was sitting in the world's worst movie theater, on 86th Street, watching the first two-thirds of Dave Chappelle's Block Party, when the picture suddenly cut out. As the boos from the audience poured in, and the technical crew scrambled (unsuccessfully) to get the movie back on, I thought to myself how transcendent the experience of watching the first 2/3 of this movie, with this audience, had truly been.
It was 2000, and I was in my college apartment, watching BET's Rap City, when the video for Talib Kweli & Hi-Tek (Reflection Eternal)'s "Move Something" video aired for the first time. Having already been forever altered by the lyrical brilliance of Mos Def and Talib Kweli are Black Star, as well as moved by Mos Def's solo debut, Black on Both Sides, I was thrilled to see the less-famous half of the groundbreaking duo get some shine (Talib Kweli & Hi-Tek [Reflection Eternal]'s 2000 album, Train of Thought is also a must-listen, by the way). "Move Something" was an average song/video (in true Kweli fashion, the second single, "The Blast," was far superior), but there was one thing about it that I couldn't shake: what the hell was Dave Chappelle doing in this video?
The thought of Dave Chappelle, hilarious albeit obscure comedian, not to mention the guy from Half Baked, somehow being down with Kweli, at the time a seriously underground rapper, was beyond the realm of comprehension. My first thought was that the label had arranged this, to make Talib Kweli and Hi-Tek seem more recognizable. Then, I realized that both Chappelle and Hi-Tek were from Ohio, so that must have been the connection. Still, my questions lingered: was Dave Chappelle secretly a backpacker? Was he down with the Soulquarians? Could he even be (gasp) an Okayplayer?
It is now 2006, and much has changed. The laptop has replaced the backpack, and the Soulquarians (the true ones, at least - Jay Dee [R.I.P.], ?uestlove, D'Angelo and James Poyser) are less closely associated with each other than they once were. As for Okayplayer, their artists are no longer underground, Angela Nissel is a best-selling author and Aaron McGruder has a hit TV show you may have heard of. The underground of 1999 has become the mainstream of 2006, enabled by a number of forces, among them the rise of Kanye West (who successfully attempted to merge underground sensibilities with a mainstream sound, and whose various collaborators have included representatives of both camps), the popularity of Erykah Badu and Jill Scott (who brought their brethren in the hip hop world along for the ride) and the best efforts of... Dave Chappelle?
Dave Chappelle, fairly obscure comedian and star of Half Baked, did a number of guest spots on Talib Kweli & Hi-Tek (Reflection Eternal)'s fantastic 2000 album, Train of Thought, in which he spoofed a few public figures, including Nelson Mandela and Rick James. He followed this with a hilarious opening to Talib Kweli's 2002 release Quality, confirming at the very least his fandom of Talib Kweli. When Chappelle's Show debuted in 2003, his experimental nature and commitment to personal authenticity carried over to his selection of musical guests. His very first musical guest was Mos Def (who later would become a regular sketch contributor), performing "Close Edge" from his forthcoming album, The New Danger. As the show progressed, it became a forum for some lesser-exposed artists to gain a new audience, and Chappelle's Show became the biggest showcase for alternative hip hop since MTV's short-lived (and probably not very good) Lyricist Lounge Show. Chappelle's Show featured a back-in-the-game De La Soul, a reunited Mos and Kweli as Black Star, and, perhaps most famously, a live performance of Common and Kanye West's "The Food," the recording of which was actually used on Common's 2005 album Be. By the time Chappelle appeared on the cover of XXL magazine in 2004 with Common, Kanye West, Talib Kweli and Dead Prez, his mission of bringing conscious hip hop to the mainstream had become clear as day.
Dave Chappelle's Block Party is undoubtedly the biggest and boldest of Chappelle's hip hop endeavors. In 2005, he organized an all-day concert at a secret location in Brooklyn (which I tried to get tickets to and failed), featuring Mos, Kweli, Erykah, Jill, The Roots, Dead Prez, Kanye, Common and (gasp!) a reunited Fugees, and had Michel Gondry (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) shoot and direct a documentary of the event. Chappelle referred to it as the concert he's always wanted to see, and I'll be damned if it isn't the concert I've always wanted to see, too. With his comedy sprinkled throughout, and a positive vibe presiding over everything, the movie is an incredible event, especially if watched with an appreciative audience.
As I watched the first two-thirds of the film, I wondered to myself whether or not this is the end of an era, or merely another transient period. Very little of the artists' newer material made it into the film footage, causing me to think that the best work of their movement is already behind them (Erykah Badu's "Back In The Day," from her latest, Worldwide Underground, was especially compelling, however). At the same time, I also noted how critics were amazed to discover this pocket of artists previously unknown. Perhaps an entirely new segment will discover the genius behind Black Star, Things Fall Apart or Like Water For Chocolate, and we won't even need more classic material. Or maybe the best is yet to come for all of us, whether backpackers, Soulquarians, Okayplayers or partially-employed temps. All I know is that the horrible theater on 86th Street gave us two free passes each for #*^%ing up our movie, so me and Joe went back to make it through to the end. It was so much fun, it made me want to go to my job and tell my boss, "#*^% you, give me my money - HIT ME!!!"

Round of 16

2006-02-23T10:42:00.000-05:00

The Champions League returned from a two-month hiatus on Tuesday, and its hype was much well-deserved. Two fantastic games were televised by ESPN2, who, if they were anything resembling intelligent, would scrap all of those ads for Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith in favor of promoting this wonderful event. The Champions League, for those of you who don't know, is an in-season tournament pitting the best of Europe's soccer clubs against each other to determine the continental champion. It is the pinnacle of the yearly soccer calendar, and Tuesday and Wednesday featured the first games in the round of 16 (the "sweet sixteen?").
On Tuesday, I got to view the under-manned former English powerhouse Arsenal take on the over-priced former Spanish powerhouse Real Madrid. "Los Galacticos" came out looking fairly uninspired, with the exception of the always-hard-working David Beckham and new kid Cicinho, who took turns overlapping and getting forward on the right side of the field. Robinho and Guti also showed some signs of life, but Real ultimately played disjointed in attack, and Ronaldo and Zinedine Zidane couldn't get much going. Arsenal, meanwhile, had to be happy, considering that their injury-depleted defense was able to keep the Real superstars in check, and Thierry Henry, Frederick Ljungberg, Alexander Hleb and Jose Antonio Reyes were able to keep consistent pressure on the Spaniards. In the 47th minute, Henry scored a spectacular goal, racing through what looked like 17 Real defenders before finishing low and to the far side of net, and Arsenal's band of substitutes and teenagers held on to secure the 1-0 victory on enemy soil. Real should be ashamed of itself.
The main event was Wednesday, however, when assured English powerhouse Chelsea took on the certified Spanish powerhouse Barcelona at Stamford Bridge in London. Following a week of steady trash talk, the two sides played a hotly contested match, filled with fouls and profanities. One could argue that the match turned on Asier Del Horno's first-half red card, but that is simply not the case, as Chelsea came out attacking to begin the second half and took a one-goal lead. The real key to the match was the play of Lionel Messi, who dominated the Chelsea defense and eventually wore them down with his darting runs and world-class ball control. Messi is the 18-year-old Barca phenom, whom Ronaldinho has already declared the best player in the squad, even ahead of the Gaucho himself. The Champions League spotlight can turn a good player into a superstar, and last night, Messi looked like the best player on the planet, playing against A-list opposition on the world's biggest stage. Chelsea would have had their hands full with him with 11 men, which could be the reason why Del Horno tried to take him out. Barcelona's attacking prowress eventually won out, and they took the match 2-1 on the road. The return leg trash talk has already started, and March 7th can't come fast enough for me.

Super Contra

2006-02-21T10:27:00.000-05:00

In an effort to gain a greater understanding of U.S. foreign policy, I picked up a copy of Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater the other day. For those of you unfamiliar with the Metal Gear series, it is a series of video games dating back to the Nintendo Entertainment System and maintaining a fairly convoluted, continuous storyline throughout. Upon beating Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty a few years ago, I was shocked to learn that the President is merely a pawn and that the true rulers of the United States are, in fact a gaggle of shadowy figures known as "The Patriots." The game thrust me into a state of paranoia, making me view Tom Brady with suspicion and causing me to wonder if the CIA has a dossier on everyone who has beaten MGS2; if you beat the game, and found out the truth, wouldn't your life be in danger? Everyone assured me, however, that my safety was not in question, and also that playing a video game for 17 straight hours has the potential for screwing with your sense of reality, which is why I avoided MGS3 for so long. The game is at least a year old now, so I figured any key revelations wouldn't be so dangerous to me or my family, but alas, this game is set in the past! Now I'm going to end up learning secrets I wish I hadn't, like how a Russian colonel nuked his own people in an attempt to facilitate a nuclear war, only a few years after the Cuban Missile Crisis. I don't want to know this stuff, but there's a world to save, I am a merciless killing machine, and I so clearly understand our foreign policy now; when the fate of humankind is on the line, send one man, armed with only a tranquilizer gun, into hostile territory to get the job done. Maybe Dolph Lundgren was a CIA agent after all! Have I already been playing this game too long?

The One Where Z Talks About The Olympics

2006-02-16T12:05:00.000-05:00

I keep trying to watch the Winter Olympics, and I keep failing miserably. Why is that? I keep looking at this stuff on TV, and I'm always telling Joe how cool this stuff is. These guys come off a halfpipe on their snowboards and do like 75 different flips in the air before landing, and it is honestly pretty cool! I'm down with skiing and snowboarding and ice hockey and all of that, so the problem can't be the actual games themselves.
Maybe my problem is with NBC. I just want to watch another skier go superfast down the slopes, but they keep interrupting me with a music video for each skier, in which I have to watch them talk about themselves and how they love their sister, or how they re-dedicated themselves to their sport, and all I ever get out of these things is that Winter Olympians always seem to have really bad haircuts. The snowboarders are even more annoying; they come off like a bunch of rich teenagers trying to use hip hop slang even though they're blond and from Aspen ("Yah, I just want to send big ups to Shaun Keegan, he's my homey we were kickin' it in Colorado Springs last year! He couldn't make it cuz he fell off that halfpipe and broke both of his legs in three places, so I'm bringin' this flava for him! One!"). What's even worse is that after every single run, these guys have to snowboard all the way into the camera, stick their faces practically into my living room and flash suburban gang signs. The flips are cool enough, you really don't have to inform me that you are a member of the Tahoe Crips, Hans.
I think my biggest problem, however, is the figure skating. I don't really have a problem with figure skating, it's just that NBC feels a constant urge to interrupt whatever cool $#!+ they're showing with some ice dancing, or pairs, or men's short program or whatever. I could be kickin' it with a cup of tea and some ginger snaps, and see some speed skating on, and I'll be like, "Oh $#!+!!! There's speed skating on!" I'll get all comfy, getting ready for some Apolo Ohno stuff, then, 5 minutes later, without even seeing a full race, they'll be like, "Now, let's go back to the studio, where Bob Costas is ready to take us to the pairs final!" What a thorough letdown. Now I have to see grown men wearing sequins do spins in the air while wearing tight pants, when I was all excited to watch speedsters with aerodynamic helmets try to take each other out on the short track.
I know one thing, though; it's not my patriotism that's the problem, not with the attention I have thrusted in the direction of the U.S. Men's Soccer team. They are not in the Olympics, nor are they even still qualifying for the World Cup; they are currently playing a schedule of international friendlies, tune up games for June. These games don't count for anything, but serve the purposes of filling out the last available roster spots for the World Cup, getting in some meaningful action between now and the summer, and (hopefully) establishing a positive atmosphere and winning continuity.
After pasting Norway 5-0 two weeks ago and beating Japan 3-2 on Friday, the Yanks have had plenty of positives to pull from their January friendlies. First, Eddie Pope, America's dominant defender of the past 7 or 8 years, is finally healthy again and playing like his old self. Age and injuries had looked to have finally done Eddie in, but he's back and playing very well, which provides a major plus going into the World Cup. The emergence of Todd Dunivant at left-back and erstwhile-rapper Clint Dempsey at right-midfield have given Coach Bruce Arena possible starters at need positions. Dunivant's ball-control and crossing skills have impressed, while Dempsey, after having been tried at a few positions in midfield, seems to have found his comfort zone on the right. His dangerous runs wide and to the middle have frustrated the defense, and the number of fouls he has drawn show it (but, umm, "Deuce?" you don't dance as good as you rap).
The most positive sign for the U.S., however, has to be the play of much-maligned striker Taylor Twellman. Twellman, the reigning MLS MVP, has had some mediocre outings for the National Team, and many wondered if he would ever realize his potential at the international level. But he has busted out of the gate in 2006, bagging a hat-trick against Norway and scoring one and setting up two versus Japan. If Twellman can keep this up, the U.S.' World Cup chances could get a lot better.
Up next for the USA is a Sunday friendly against Guatemala, and the debut of some sharp new uniforms. A clean bill of health for striker Eddie Johnson, as well as midfielder John O'Brien, and a few meaningful matches for Manchester United backup goalkeeper Tim Howard are also on the wish list as the U.S. gets ready for June. I, of course, will keep you updated, so long as they don't interrupt me for figure skating.

2.0

2006-02-15T22:34:00.000-05:00

Some of you may be familiar with this site's slogan, "Where Malcolm Gladwell meets Malcolm-Jamal Warner!" I always thought that was kind of a catchy thing to say, mainly because of the whole "Malcolm" thing, but also partially because the writings of Malcolm Gladwell serve as inspiration to find new ways of looking at the world (Malcolm-Jamal Warner generally comes across as a fairly cool dude in his own right). The thing that might fascinate (those of you who have seen the slogan at the end of numerous emails from yours truly) is that, to the best of my knowledge, I had never mentioned either Malcolm on my site, until now. Guess what? Now you can't even go back to double-check, because I erased all of the archives! (Laughs maniacally)
What can I say? I've hated this blog lately. I hated the way it looked, couldn't stand the color tan, didn't want to compare my more recent posts with the earlier ones, hated the remnants of the short-lived "116street" experiment, and I wanted to start fresh. So I axed all of the posts up to "The Great Soccer FAQ" and got my HTML game up. Sorry if you wanted to go back and read about Afros in TV commercials, but I get to call the shots around here! Anyway, I hope you like the new blog, it probably won't be too much different from the old one, but I did add the "116street's Top 5 of the Moment" links on the top left, in case you might want to check out any of the stuff that I currently think is really, really good. Happy Not-Valentine's Day!

The Temp Agency Saga

2006-02-07T13:33:00.000-05:00

We here on 116th street were pretty proud to get shouted out today on Deadspin, one of The Favorite Web Sites of 116th street, and the extra exposure made further "sportswriting" a tempting proposition, but I feel the need to keep it real...

I have been spending significant portions of my day hanging around temp agencies, in search of a job beyond that of my wildest imagination. My ongoing temp agency experience has been a fairly surreal experience; I went in initially expecting a straightforward job interview, but I was surprised to discover that they do things a little differently. The office was full of activity, and the receptionist was terrible. Not only did I not get a "May I help you?", there were like 3 different sign-in clipboards to choose from, and I had no assistance in picking out the right one for me. While I'm busy signing in, some guy gets in line behind me; no sooner does he come to a full stop behind me, than the receptionist looks at him and asks, "May I help you sir?" Sigh...
I sit down to fill out some paperwork, when I hear, from the room next door (which sounds like a trading floor), "Zachary Jackson," followed by a different voice saying, "Zachary Jackson?" and one more, for good measure: "Zachary Jackson." "Christ help me, they are talking about me, and loudly," I think to myself, wondering if my resume was horrible, or if my old company had flagged me or something, or any of the other paranoid thoughts you get when you hear your name coming from the next room.
I sat down to do the interview with my "agent," Courtney, and it was less of a job interview than ordering nuggets at Wendy's could be. There were tons of softballs lobbed, and I hit them all for doubles, and at the end she tried to hire me for herself. I told her I would think about it, shook her hand about three different times on the way out, and I bounced.
Today was more fun than usual, though, as I went to take a few tests. The first was a typing exam, and it seemed more like a commercial for WordPerfect than anything else. You were supposed to copy a text that read something like, "WordPerfect is a wonderful tool. It can end world hunger, unite the nations and help you finish your documents on time, etc..." The text was also full of spacing and punctuation errors, and I wasn't sure whether or not I was supposed to include them in my typing (maybe they were trying to see if I was paying attention), or type the way a nominally educated person would. In the end, I decided to make my 3rd-grade teacher, Claudia Albanese, proud by remaining gramatically correct. The following tests were all for Microsoft Office programs, and contained some very confusing instructions. The test was called "Prove It!", which I suppose was meant to be a confidence-inspiring title, but ultimately filled me with self-doubt (what am I supposed to prove? That East Harlem and Harlem are separate entities? That knowing how to "merge selected cells" solidifies my masculinity?). As I said, the instructions were confusing, as the test didn't really deign to using actual computer jargon, but instead said things like "change the selected cell to A3." I was looking at the screen and couldn't figure out what that meant for like 5 minutes, before I realized that they simply wanted me to select cell A3.
Anyway, when the test was over, my agent was busy in a meeting, so the horrible secretary called me, saying, "Zachary? You can go... (she motioned her hand in a push-away gesture) You can just go. You can call Courtney, later." So that's it, no score, no percentile, nothing, I can just... go. I feel so loved. Hey, Dan Courtemanche, MLS Senior VP for Marketing and Communications, if you read my "expert" opinion on Deadspin and liked my "Great Soccer FAQ," I'm available!

The Great Soccer FAQ, Part III

2006-02-02T16:04:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I read Part I and Part II, and now I want to watch some soccer games. Where can I catch them?
If you live in the United Kingdom (and I know that a great percentage of my readership does), then I have no clue where to tell you to look. For those of you who live in the land of oil addiction, however, I can tell you exactly where to go. ABC Sports and ESPN share duties broadcasting U.S. National Team and MLS matches, but they don't advertise these games very heavily, so you'll have to check your listings to find out when they will broadcast them. The Disney sports empire will also be broadcasting every game of the 2006 World Cup live. In addition, ESPN2 shows Champions' League games, although they don't advertise this in any way, shape or form, so your best bet is to check out the schedule, figure out which days are match days, and hope that a game will be on either Tuesday or Wednesdays at 2:30 pm. If you have ESPN Deportes (my cable provider doesn't offer it), you can get much more Champions' League, plus some other European action, but expect a lot of re-run matches. Telemundo and Univision show plenty of Mexican league action, as well as some international matches (you can occasionally get really lucky and catch a Brazil match). Telemundo will also carry Spanish-language rights to the World Cup.
Those of you with Gol TV, you're the lucky ones, with access to tons of Spanish La Liga and Italian Serie A matches. You're also few and far between, as the channel is not carried by many operators. This, of course, brings me to the king of soccer broadcasting, Fox Soccer Channel. With FSC, you'll get enough English Premier League to make you want to watch Ted Nugent kill things on OLN, not to mention French Ligue 1, German Bundesliga, Italian Serie A (well, they show really crappy Serie A games that you'll never want to watch, but they do show them), Copa Libertadores, World Cup qualifying, and, of course, MLS.

With all of these other games available, is MLS even worth watching?
That's a good question. In my opinion, it is. I saw a match on ESPN2 last season between the Los Angeles Galaxy and the San Jose Earthquakes that, while perhaps not having the status of a Liverpool-Chelsea trash-talk war, was a fairly exciting game, nonetheless. Furthermore, I'd rather watch a D.C. United vs. New England Revolution clash than the crappy Cagliari vs. Lecce match FSC keeps trying to promote (seemingly) every week.
The talent level of MLS teams has been a debateable topic; D.C. United put up a surpisingly competitive showing against English champions Chelsea in July, but both the L.A. Galaxy, and, especially, a hastily-thrown-together team of MLS "all stars" were put through a clinic against Real Madrid.
The league remains a work-in-progress, and has shown positive signs of growth; on intrigue alone, MLS is worth following (of course, selling to the massive Spanish population of Utah by naming a team "Real Salt Lake" is a little bit silly, but to make an omellette you have to break a few eggs, no?).

So where can I go on the Web to keep up on everything that's going on?
If you're new to the world of soccer, ESPN Soccernet is the best place to look (make sure you select the "UK/Europe" option, when prompted). The site focuses way too much on the English game, but it is very informative, and it also has a pretty comprehensive U.S. Soccer section. Sports Illustrated's soccer section doesn't contain nearly as much information, but it does have a much more global perspective, and the columnists are outstanding. Fox Sports has a pretty basic format, but has a decent amount of info, some great photo galleries and a very good U.S. section, headlined by razor-sharp columnist Jamie Trecker.
These three sites will keep you informed of everything that's going on, but if you want to be truly fanatical about following the game, you'll have to step it up a notch. UEFA.com gives you a window to the European game, but the real benefit of this site is the terrific player profiles, each with a scouting report describing each player's game. You can also watch Champions' League action from the site, but it'll cost you a subscription fee.
If you want a more of a fan's perspective, check out Goal.com. This site has lots of talkback, and has a more informal approach to covering the game. You can find out a lot of info about your favorite team here, but tread lightly, as many rumors are reported as fact here.
After all of this information, you should know more than enough about the game to impress your friends, as well as talk your way into a few free pints the next time you're in the UK. But for those of you who are feeling especially masochistic, check out Bigsoccer.com, a massive online community of serious soccer geeks. Here, you will find fans of anything and everything soccer-related going into in-depth discussions, such as why Lionel Messi should start for Barcelona over Ludovic Giuly, why Winning Eleven is better than FIFA 06 (or vice versa), or whether or not Freddy Adu is really going to make the U.S. World Cup roster.

So that's all I need to know to become a soccer expert?
That's all I'm willing to tell. Oh yeah, word on the street is that Nevada Smith's is the place to go in NYC to watch soccer games, but I've never been, so don't take my word for it...

Oh yeah, I did promise Zidane vs. Ronaldinho, so prepare for your jaw to drop...

The Great Soccer FAQ, Part II

2006-01-28T21:26:00.000-05:00

Golly gee, Zack, I just got done reading "The Great Soccer FAQ, Part I", and I gotta say it's the greatest soccer FAQ I ever done seen. But how come you didn't mention any American players? Do Americans suck at soccer?
No, Americans do not suck at all! As a matter of fact, the U.S. team made it to the final 8 of the 2002 World Cup, and nearly upset Germany. With that being said, no American has achieved any of the lofty benchmarks (World Cup titles, European Cups, Player of the Year awards, etc.) that the players I previously mentioned have. Nevertheless, the United States has produced a number of quality players who have consistently produced both at home and abroad.

Like who?
Top American players include Brian McBride (Fulham), Claudio Reyna (Manchester City), and Brad Friedel (Blackburn Rovers) of the English Premier League. In Holland, winger DaMarcus Beasley is a key member of PSV Eindhoven, and last season was the first American ever to play in the semifinal round of the Champions' League. Kasey Keller has been going strong in Europe for a decade, and currently defends the goal of Borussia Monchengladbach, in Germany (please don't ask me for the pronunciation of "Borussia Monchengladbach"). All of these players are standouts for the U.S. Men's team, with the exception of Friedel, who left the international game following his sensational World Cup of 2002.
Domestically, Major League Soccer employs a number of U.S. international players, among them golden boy Landon Donovan (Los Angeles Galaxy), new kid Eddie Johnson (FC Dallas), and super-hyped 16-year-old Freddy Adu (D.C. United).

Do you think they'll do better at the next World Cup?
We can only hope.

When is the next World Cup, anyway?
The World Cup is held every four years, and the next one begins June 9th, 2006, in Germany. 32 teams will compete for four weeks, with the final scheduled for July 9th, 2006 in Berlin.

How do they decide which teams make it into the World Cup?
FIFA allocates a number of World Cup slots to each continental confederation (based upon perceived strength), after which teams go through a two-year qualifying schedule against other squads from their respective continents. The host country automatically qualifies. Once the qualification schedule has ended, FIFA conducts a draw, determining the seeding for the first round of the tournament.

Who do you think will win the World Cup this year?
Most people expect Brazil to repeat as champions, and so do I. England seems to have the talent and balance to win, but inconsistent play and steady controversy always seem to do them in. I also wouldn't count out Holland or Argentina.

Are there any other major international tournaments besides the World Cup?
There are other major tournaments, such as the "Euro" (European Championship), the Copa America, the Asian Cup, the African Cup of Nations, the Gold Cup, and the Oceania Cup. The winners of these continental tournaments, along with World Cup winner and host country, play in the FIFA Confederations Cup. FIFA also produces world championships for the Under-20 and Under-17 age levels.

What about the Olympics?
Olympic soccer is, generally speaking, an Under-23 tournament. Teams are allowed to have up to three players over the age of 23 on their rosters, and many top players stay away. Many young players do see it as a chance to display their skills to a larger audience, however.

Next time, in "The Great Soccer FAQ, Part III":
Why "Houston 1836" is a kick-@$$ name for a soccer club; why "Pizza Hut Park" may be the worst stadium name, ever; the best websites for following the game; and Zidane vs. Ronaldinho.

The Great Soccer FAQ, Part I

2006-01-26T16:53:00.000-05:00

Zack, why are you doing a "Great Soccer FAQ?"
I plan on doing more writing about soccer in 2006, and this FAQ is the foundation upon which all terminology, players, teams and context will be established for my purposes.

But why soccer?
It's a beautiful sport that I have been following consistently for nearly seven years. It is full of strategy and logic, yet it is also remarkably unpredictable. It is full of grace, but at the same time it is vicious and dangerous. The game has many colorful personalities, and has such a broad scope that keeping up with players and teams is a very fun challenge.

So how did you get into soccer in the first place?
Well, besides from sucking at it in elementary, junior high and high school, I suppose it all started in 1997 with this really hot Japanese girl named Mariko who I was into. She told me she loved soccer, and asked if I liked the game. I lied and answered yes, a move which would backfire when she started dating a soccer player a couple of weeks later. Not long after, I was in a friend's apartment playing FIFA Soccer '97, where, while playing first with Brazil and then with England, I was schooling my friends with dudes named Bebeto and Sheringham. I had no idea who these guys were, but I thought the game was cool.

That December, my family went to England to spend Christmas with my brother and his family. One late night, I stumbled across a show highlighting a team known as Chelsea, which seemed to have recently won a championship of some kind. Chelsea immediately captured my imagination, with their flashy style and international flavor, especially the Italian players Gianluca Vialli, Roberto Di Matteo and the legendary Gianfranco Zola.

I came home, bought myself a copy of FIFA '98, and was hooked.

So you're a pretty big Chelsea fan, then?
Actually, no, I was for some time, but no longer. After Zola left Chelsea in 2003 to return to his native country, the team lost much of its personality, and ever since Jose Mourinho became coach in 2004, the team has become a dominant force with zero personality or style. They are better than they ever were, but are also pretty boring.

So who do you root for?
My only true allegiance is to the U.S. national team. They are just the kind of doomed, scrappy underdog that a Philly fan like myself can get behind. After that, I enjoy creative, attacking teams like Manchester United, Arsenal and Barcelona, although I don't consider myself a fan of any of them.

Who the heck are they?
I'm getting ahead of myself, I see. The teams I mentioned above are club teams, equivalent to pro sports teams here in the USA. Just about every nation in the world has its own professional league, each with about 20 teams. Chelsea, Manchester United and Arsenal play in the English Premier League, while Barcelona is part of Spain's La Liga. Other notable leagues include the Italian Serie A, the German Bundesliga and the Dutch Eredivisie. The United States also has its own league, Major League Soccer.

National teams, such as the U.S. team, are made up of players who play in the various leagues worldwide, much in the same way that the U.S. Olympic basketball team is composed of players culled from various NBA teams. Due to the year-round schedule, prominent players are often members of two teams during the same season, their club team and their international team. Many prominent players are often identified in articles as members of both teams (i.e., "Real Madrid and England midfielder David Beckham was interviewed today...").

Do teams in the various leagues ever face each other?
Yes, they do. Teams that finish high enough in their league get to go on to play the next season in a major continental tournament, such as the Copa Libertadores in South America, or the Champions' League in Europe. These tournaments take place concurrently with each team's regular domestic schedule, causing teams that do well enough to essentially play two seasons within one. The winners of the continental tournaments eventually play in the somewhat-lightly-regarded Club World Championship. The Champions' League is generally considered the pinnacle of the yearly soccer schedule.

So players are allowed to sign with teams and get traded all across the world?
They basically are, so long as each country's differing immigration laws are upheld. Players are seldom traded; instead, they are sold for money in transactions known as "transfers." Transfers are allowed between July 1st, and August 31st, and again from January 1st-31st. It is very common for players to be sold to teams in other countries, and free agency is also quite common. Transfer fees are not part of a player's salary; teams that buy a player must pay his original club the transfer fee, then take on that player's salary. The most expensive transfer in history occured in 2001, when Real Madrid bought midfielder Zinedine Zidane from Juventus for a $64 million fee.

$64 million? Who is he? God?
Pretty much, yes he is. He led France to victory in the World Cup in 1998, and the European Championship in 2000. He won the Italian Serie A title with Juventus in 1997 and 1998. He led Real Madrid to the Spanish La Liga title in 2003, and no one can forget his amazing goal to give Real Madrid the 2002 Champions' League title. In addition to all of that, he was named European Player of the Year in 1998, and World Player of the Year in 1998, 2000, and 2003. He is widely regarded as one of the five greatest players of all time, alongside Pele, Diego Maradona, Johan Cruyff and Franz Beckenbauer.

How do you pronounce his name?
ZEE-nay-DEEN, ZEE-dahn.

What other names should I know?
Ronaldinho (roe-nahl-DEEN-yo) is a playmaking forward for Barcelona and Brazil who is known for his superhuman dribbling, passing and shooting skills. Only 25, he is already a World Cup winner (2002), Spanish La Liga champion (2005), European Player of the Year (2005) and two-time World Player of the Year (2004 and 2005). His technique, enthusiasm for the game and gleeful personality have made him a worldwide icon.

Thierry Henry (tee-AIR-ee, AHN-ree) is a speedy, lanky striker for Arsenal and France. He made a name for himself at the World Cup in 1998 by scoring three goals in the tournament to help France capture the trophy. He joined Arsenal in 1999, and by 2005, he was the club's all-time leading goalscorer. He won the European Golden Boot (top goalscorer) in 2004, and shared it with Diego Forlan in 2005. His goalscoring and playmaking abilities have also helped Arsenal capture the Premier League in both 2002 and the memorable 2004 season, in which they went through the league undefeated.

Samuel Eto'o (EH-toe) has been Barcelona's scoring sensation for the past two seasons, and is currently destroying opponents for Cameroon in the African Cup of Nations. He was third in the voting for World Player of the Year this past season and is the reigning two-time African Player of the Year.

Wayne Rooney signed for Manchester United in 2004 as a teenager, and became an immediate scoring star. He is seen as the key not just for Man United's future success, but also for England's World Cup hopes.

Frank Lampard is the centerpiece of Chelsea, known for his ability to score from distance, as well as his affinity for jumping into the attack from midfield. Like Rooney, he is an England international player.

Ronaldo is the only player besides Zidane to win World Player of the Year three times. The Real Madrid and Brazil superstar has battled numerous injuries throughout his career, but, when healthy, his speed and strength make him unstoppable. He led Brazil to the 2002 World Cup title, picking up the Golden Boot for top goalscorer in the process.

Paolo Maldini joined A.C. Milan in 1984, and remains the team's captain to this day. Whether on the left side of the pitch or in the center, Maldini's status as one of the greatest defenders of all time is unquestioned. His illustrious career includes 23 trophies with Milan, including 4 European cups, and he is still considered one of the top defenders in the world, even at age 37.

Andriy Shevchenko is Maldini's teammate at Milan, and a one-man arsenal for Ukraine. His winning penalty in the 2003 Champions' League final gave Milan the European Cup, and he was named 2004 European Player of the Year. He also led Ukraine to its first ever World Cup qualification, for the upcoming 2006 event in Germany.

David Beckham may be all glamour off the pitch, but he is a tireless worker on it. His hustle, determination and long-ball ability have helped make him a global superstar. He is also incredibly clutch, and he has come through for club and country numerous times. He won 6 Premier League titles with Manchester United, as well as the 1999 Champions' League title, before moving to Real Madrid in 2003. He presently serves as England's captain.

Anyone else?
Sure. Check out Steven Gerrard, Adriano, Juan Roman Riquelme, Patrick Vieira, Roy Keane, Raul, Carlos Tevez, Kaka, Roy Makaay, Michael Owen, Ruud van Nistelrooy, Luis Figo, Rivaldo, Ryan Giggs, Dennis Bergkamp, Alessandro Del Piero, Pavel Nedved, John Terry, Alessandro Nesta and Michael Ballack, just to begin with.

Next time, in The Great Soccer FAQ, Part II:
I will explain why you should never name a club "Real Salt Lake"; why nobody gives a $#!+ about Olympic soccer; why Jose Mourinho is evil; why England should win this year's World Cup, but won't; what the deal is with MLS, anyway, and why you should be paying attention to the U.S. men's team...