Super Contra

In an effort to gain a greater understanding of U.S. foreign policy, I picked up a copy of Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater the other day. For those of you unfamiliar with the Metal Gear series, it is a series of video games dating back to the Nintendo Entertainment System and maintaining a fairly convoluted, continuous storyline throughout. Upon beating Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty a few years ago, I was shocked to learn that the President is merely a pawn and that the true rulers of the United States are, in fact a gaggle of shadowy figures known as "The Patriots." The game thrust me into a state of paranoia, making me view Tom Brady with suspicion and causing me to wonder if the CIA has a dossier on everyone who has beaten MGS2; if you beat the game, and found out the truth, wouldn't your life be in danger? Everyone assured me, however, that my safety was not in question, and also that playing a video game for 17 straight hours has the potential for screwing with your sense of reality, which is why I avoided MGS3 for so long. The game is at least a year old now, so I figured any key revelations wouldn't be so dangerous to me or my family, but alas, this game is set in the past! Now I'm going to end up learning secrets I wish I hadn't, like how a Russian colonel nuked his own people in an attempt to facilitate a nuclear war, only a few years after the Cuban Missile Crisis. I don't want to know this stuff, but there's a world to save, I am a merciless killing machine, and I so clearly understand our foreign policy now; when the fate of humankind is on the line, send one man, armed with only a tranquilizer gun, into hostile territory to get the job done. Maybe Dolph Lundgren was a CIA agent after all! Have I already been playing this game too long?