Essays from 116th Street

Self-therapy, since 2004...

Location: New York, New York

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

How Come Lisa Turtle Never Gets Any Play?

My weekend-long battle with the cable company has finally come to a close, and in its aftermath lie the remnants of 4 days without television. You would be amazed at the kinds of things you discover when the technician finally comes around between 8 and 12 and fixes your $#!+!!!
Man, I had no effing clue that Adult Swim had started airing Saved By The Bell, and yet, there I was, staying up past my bedtime, just so I could witness the rise and fall of the legendary rock group The Zack Attack.
It's been FOREVER since I last saw this classic episode, but it left me with a few unresolved questions. First of all, where the hell was Jesse? Were they not friends that week? Had she pulled a Christopher and gone to L.A. that weekend, only to have a relapse on caffeine pills? Was Elizabeth Berkley already making Showgirls by then?
Then there's the freaking band; who did they get to write and perform those dreadful Zack Attack songs? It's like the producers of Saved By The Bell, unsatisfied with the shoddy acting and dreadful neon-colored clothes, actively pursued the worst band they could possibly find in Hollywood to do the songs for this episode. How am I, as a viewer, supposed to believe that "Friends Forever" could ever possibly become a hit?
The real question, however, is this: how come Lisa never gets any? There is no question that Lisa Turtle is the hottest chica ever to appear on Saturday morning television; she is in fact, the inspiration for my personal "get it" list. If they ever build a Saturday morning television Hall of Fame, she should have her own wing. Why then, is she always dateless? Is there some kind of hidden message here about the inablity of shallow people to get dates? Does she have some kind of "black men only" policy, making it hard for a SoCal sista to find the right man? Is she related to one of the Girlfriends? Do she and Jesse have a secret kind of DL thing going on, and is A.C. Slater a front for the whole thing? How come Slater only ever talks about getting play, but we never actually see it (that's an entire post waiting to be written)?
So many questions, such little time...


Anonymous Catherine said...

You know...there are parts of the world that don't have TV. Like my apartment...I'm surviving surprisingly well. ;)

6:21 PM  

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