Essays from 116th Street

Self-therapy, since 2004...

Location: New York, New York

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Thanks, Ladies

It is time for me to give a shout-out to all of my female friends. I have had the incredible fortune of knowing some of the most intelligent, compassionate and beautiful women around; at any point when my faith in the opposite sex should waver, these are the ones who are quick to restore my belief. There are those who never seem to mind my constant philosophical babbling (Stephanie and Rachel), who always inspire me to be more virtuous (Bethany), who remind me not to take myself so seriously (Abby), who provide blunt advice and a pat on the head (Cait), and who always make me wonder what could have been (Melanie and Jessica). There are, of course, many, many others, so if I haven't named you here, please don't be upset, it's pretty early in the morning. I am so fortunate to have such a caring and protective group of women, ready to be there for me at a moment's notice, with the full knowledge that I would do the same for them. You girls are my great ones.

With that being said, it's time to award the two funniest quotes from yesterday, responses to the demise of the two-month saga of The Girl By 23rd Street.

Melanie: "Do you want me to come up there with a lead pipe and beat her?" No, Melanie, I don't want you to do that, I know you've been itching to use the lead pipe on my enemies for some time, but I don't want you to hurt The Girl By 23rd Street, she's never been in a fight in her life. I do find your constant willingness to resort to violence very sexy, however. You win second prize for the day, the reward being an ironclad promise that I will try to make out with you next time I'm in Philadelphia.

Jessica (via voicemail): "Hi Zack, sorry to hear about Stacy - oh, I mean, Cindy..." Jess, your attempts to belittle the status of The Girl By 23rd Street by referring to her as "Stacy, or Cindy, or whatever" have always been pretty humorous, but the spite in your voice on this occasion elevates you to first place in this informal contest. When we run away to Belize together, I will be sure to provide you regular massages, and to feed you grapes. In the meantime, you will have to settle for the first place prize, which will be the most heartfelt 3 AM drunk-dialed smiley face the world has ever known.

These girls bite! I love them for it. Anyone with friends as good as mine has to be doing something right. Also, a word of benevolent advice to all women I've dated, past and future; if you ever come across a gorgeous brunette attorney in a power suit and briefcase, flee! I can't control Melanie, or what she does with that lead pipe she keeps in her briefcase. I constantly tell her not to hurt others, but she really likes me, so what can I do?


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